Boris 1, Civil Liberties 0.

The first move by the new Fuhrer-Mayor is to ban the drinking of alcohol on public transport, effective from the 1st of June.

Nice one, Boris. Good prioritising.

Apparently, the widespread drinking by intoxicated hooligans on the tubes, trams, trains, DLR and buses is a serious cause for concern amongst the city’s population.

What widespread drinking?

Okay, first up I use public transport at all times of day and night from Dalston to Peckham, from Willesden to Deptford and very rarely do I feel threatened in any way - but, admittedly, I am a six foot something late-twenties bloke and not an old granddad or a young woman.

There are plenty of loonies on the public transport network. Some of my favourites include the guy on the Victoria Line who would try and empty out lighter fluid from a disposable lighter across his hand and then attempt to light it, failing every single time. The shouty-sweary couple who always used to be on the train out of London Bridge to Brockley on a Sunday afternoon (“You stupid slag, what’d you leave the fuckin’ dog in the Thames for?” “Eh, it’s your bastard fault for burning the fucking house down.” Etc, etc. It never made any sense.) The eating and spitting guy on the local buses. Always a mistake to sit next to him - always got something to eat, or chew rather for he would move food around his mouth generating plenty of salvia and then flob it out onto the floor next to him. Or the feet of someone who got within range. Finally, just for a couple of examples, there was the grey-haired guy in the smart suit who came charging through the carriages on the Northern Line just past Camden, paused, howled and then flopped down next to me, pulling out an enormous spliff which he proceeded to light.

None of which was particularly pleasant, but it also wasn’t scary or threatening either.

Oh, and, you’ll note, no alcohol involved either.

Most of the booze I see being consumed by people on the network isn’t being consumed by those who’re actually drunk. The intoxicated are the ones who’re running through the Chelsea terrace chants (“If she don’t cum, I’ll tickle her bum with a stick of celery, oh, celery,” eh?), trying to force a kebab down their mouth as fast as possible, covering one eye to focus on the departures board, or the guy who slumps down and says “wake me when we get to Brixton,” and you think “is this bus even going to Brixton. Which of us is drunker?”

The people sipping cans of lager tend to be (not exclusively, but in the main) one of two groups. Tired looking guys in suits, their top button open and their tie akimbo, gently nursing an over-priced can of Stella from the concourse off-licence. Or they’re a member of that slightly odd group that fancies a solitary can on the way out, as though they’re not ever going to get enough beer in the pub they’re meeting their mates in.

This really isn’t going to work, Boris. It’s currently not applying to the overland trains because, apparently, he needs to get dispensation from central government for that. But even if he does get it, how’s it going to work? The national services with refreshment carts and carriages that stop off in the suburbs on their way to Stevenage or Brighton SELL booze on the train. And what about the Eurostar and the much-hyped world’s longest champagne bar in St Pancreas?

Here’s the really good bit, though. Who does it look like is going to be enforcing the new law? Not the four hundred and forty extra transport police Boris promised in his manifesto. Even when they’ve been recruited they’re going to be too busy issuing fixed penalty notices to teenagers with their feet on the seats or playing their iPods too loud. No, it’s the drivers and the conductors and other TFL workers.

Nice one. So, if the tubes and buses are stacked with violent, drunken psychos who better to tell them to hand over their alco-pops than people with no training, weapons or protective clothing?

Please remember that public drunkenness is a completely different matter. That’s already illegal. It’s called drunk and disorderly and you can be refused access to the public transport for being drunk. This is needless legislation against adults capable of being responsible for their own actions.

And all from a man who opposed the smoking ban. Oh, the delightful hypocrisy of it all.

Just you wait. I tell you. Next it’ll be no chewing gum, wearing hoodies or the burka, or being homosexual on the tube.